And now for Something completely different

Hey, internet!

Whoah, all those buggy comments… I wrote an email to WordPress though about the error and included some screencaps. So I hope that your comments will be fine again soon. :) I’m sorry!

Adele, John: Why are your comments not buggy anymore? The miau mio stuff is starting to get to me though. Why are you doing that?

Anyway, I figured you might like to hear about something else that sick German children’s books and dreamlike princes for a a change, so I’ll update you on my private life a little instead.

Ever since the club incident, I haven’t been to school – one month already, and the month in which all the finals are written. Yay, huh? Well, the police wasn’t amused about Officers private and unsuccessful little side project, so his boss now told him to stop it if he doesn’t want to endanger his job and the ones of everyone involved. Some of his friends who helped him were scared enough to give in to that threat and without them, his team is too small to watch over me daily.

I helped his conscience a little by lying about the roses and telling him that I didn’t get any more for a few days now.  Of course I did though, my Prince would never forget that!<3

Well, the principal wasn’t exactly happy when he learned that Officer had excused me all the time without official permission, but Dad, Officer and he talked and agreed that I wasn’t to blame for that.  So they decided that I’m allowed to write the finals at home in the beginning of the summer holidays. A teacher will come over and stay with me during the writing to make sure I don’t cheat. The way Dad described it, even the principal was kinda worried about me. There are some nice people around, huh?

Speaking of which, Dad is incredibly busy recently. He says that he suddenly gets tons of customers everyday, mostly people he never saw around before who order things he has to order himself because they’re so special (like some particular Japanese markers for painting and stuff). So he needs to come earlier to the store (to receive the deliveries) and close later and if he’s at home at all, he’s busy on the computer and telephone all the time, trying to get things I’ve never heard of before for his customers.
It makes me a little bit sad because we don’t do or watch stuff together anymore, but on the other hand, I’m asleep most of the time. My dreams are just so wonderful… I always meet up with him and then we take a walk somewhere (mostly in the rose garden) or go to nice cafés (they are empty aside from us, but there’s always cake and coffee on the tables) and such stuff. And he cheers me up, oh so much…

Last night, I really had a phase in which I was down and sad and thought that I was just imagining everything. I don’t remember how the dream I had started out, but my memory starts at a point where we were talking to each other and I remember a bit of the conversation really clearly.

Me: “…I mean – did I really think that there were such things as Princes on white horses who come to me in my dreams?”
He: “Yes. ‘Cause that’s exactly how you think. That’s perfect.”
Me:  “Perfect is so hard! And it doesn’t prepare you for disappointment.”
He: “Well, if it helps… you still look adorable, even when you’re disappointed.”

I can’t remember anything after that snippet, but it was so nice and comforting to hear that from Him. I now believe and trust in Him even more than before.
It all felt so familiar.<3

I’m sorry, I babbled about Him again… I just can’t contain myself.

So, I told you about Officer, my school… Dad… Oh, not all about Dad! Incidentally, he’s got a big  from another enterprise (didn’t quite catch what it was) so he’ll do his first business trip ever soon to help his customers choose the right material for everything and so on. So yeah – no Officer and no Dad for at least two or three days.
Of course Dad had to get a babysitter though. :( As if I was, like, ten or something.

I’ll report back in tomorrow (tired as hell again…). Have a nice one, guys!

Bye, internet!

Doodles

Hey, internet!

[I wrote that whole thing yesterday, but I accidentally clicked Save Draft. So you have it belatedly.]

Wow, what’s wrong with WordPress? Adele, John – your comments are all garbled up for some reason (don’t believe me? See for yourself). I could barely read them, but think I got the gist – thank you for your empowerment. I don’t quite get why I have to stay alone in that room, but I’m going to trust you and my Prince. :)

Now on to what I wanted to do since yesterday – the new doodles. Everytime I fell asleep and woke up again there were new ones.

The first one, I mentioned it in "Randomly awake at Night"

The second one, I found it later on.

And the third one. I found it today when I woke up.

(Did I ever tell you that the alternate title of the book is “Funny pictures and wacky stories for children”? Burning people sure are funny as hell, huh?)

Something that really confuses me is how the symbol that Brute drew is all over this stuff again. But his murderers did it to. So I’m not quite sure what to read into this…

I can also type the text here which is circled. I’m a bit too tired to translate it now but I can probably give you a very short rough summary.

Paulinchen war allein zu Haus,
Die Eltern waren beide aus.
Als sie nun durch das Zimmer sprang
Mit leichtem Mut und Sing und Sang,
Da sah sie plötzlich vor sich stehn
Ein Feuer[blackened out] nett anzusehn.
“Ei”, sprach sie, “ei, wie schön und fein!”
[The last three lines aren’t in the circle anymore.]

This was the first one from “Sorry”. The first one from this post is from the same story.

Doch weh! Die Flamme faßt das Kleid,
Die Schürze brennt; es leuchtet weit.
Es brennt die Hand, es brennt das Haar,
Es brennt das ganze Kind sogar.

Und Minz und Maunz, die schreien
Gar jämmerlich zu zweien:
“Herbei! Herbei! Wer hilft geschwind?
In Feuer steht das ganze Kind!
Miau! Mio! Miau! Mio!
Zu Hilf’! das Kind brennt lichterloh!”

That story is about a girl called Paulinchen who plays with the lighter of her parents and sets herself aflame. There’s not much more to it – she plays, starts to burn and burns to death.

The second one from “Sorry doesn’t actually circle any text, so I won’t transcribe it…

The other pictures are from the story of three boys who mock a little black boy because of his skin color. Santa Clause comes and dunks them in black ink so they’re even blacker than the boy they mocked (I know, I know right? The Germans have a strange view of “wacky”…).

The circled text is:

Es ging spazieren vor dem Tor
Ein kohlpechrabenschwarzer M[rest of the word crossed out and replaced with “ann”]

Gosh, I’m getting tired again. Actually I wanted to update you about my school life too, but I guess that has to wait until tomorrow since I’m close to falling asleep on my keyboard all of a sudden…

Bye, internet!

Sorry…

Hey, internet.

I figured I should post something again, but I’m so dead-tired, I can barely look at the screen for long. Don’t even know why, I’ve slept a lot recently. I’ll just give you a quick update on stuff: Roses still appear, Prince Charming sweetens my every dream, and something’s up with the book. You know, the one I had to read for school? “Struwwelpeter” – I found it open yesterday and today and there’s pencil-drawing in it. I took some fabulous photos to share it with you:

The first page that has been molested.

A close up of the drawing.

That page was open yesterday. And today it was this one:

This time: words.

And more words.

Yeah. When the first thing happened, I had checked that page. The words appeared when I slept. Funny: The book was laying in my bed randomly when I woke up after sleeping ever since my last entry here. But Dad says it wasn’t him. I’m not sure wether to be alarmed by it… It could be my Prince.

I caught a glimpse of Him on the window. Just a quick motion, couldn’t see it too well. Today, my rose layed on my chest.

Gosh, I really am tired… sorry for bad spelling and stuff, tried to write decently, but I think I need some more sleep.

I watched the Sharpay movie! It’s truly fabulous. So I’m going to plug it here:

This just feels so much like my song! Especially ever since He’s in my dreams.

Going to sleep now. Bye, internet!

Prince Charming

Hey, internet!

Okay, so something incredibly beautiful happened. I didn’t tell you earlier, but the main reason for me to pull all-nighters all the time wasn’t the tapping on my window – I got used to that by night time. It was the fact that the nightmares had come back. I didn’t tell you in the last post because there were so many things to tell you that I simply forgot about it and I haven’t had the discipline to make notes everytime. But yeah, I have had really mad dreams recently.

Anyway. After the last blogpost, I pulled an all-nighter again. The rose arrived as usually and I put it to the other ones in the morning. The tapping was actually really faint this time, at least in comparison to before and why do I need so many words to tell you all of this I want to write about the actual dreams dammit! So I killed some time reading “Last Chance to see” and then went to bed far too late more because I simply passed out then because I really wanted to sleep.

At first, the nightmares started again. It were a lot, but I can only remember the last one well. I was walking through a big mansion at night and heard music and laughter from somewhere, so I followed those noises. I came to a big, double-winged door and opened it and there I stood in the middle of a ball room – and of an ongoing ball. My point of view changed a bit, I suddenly wasn’t walking around anymore but became an onlooker to the scene. So my vision panned through the room – which had walls made of mirrors – and then I suddenly saw the host: Myself, in a gorgeous black dress. Ball-Fiona talked to her guests so casually and moved so gracefully that I couldn’t help but think that she was actually a bit unlike me already.

And that was when she turned around and looked directly at me, with a really wicked smile. And she was like: “Oh, such an ugly face. We can’t have that here, can we? Let me fix that for you!” Or something like that and then she reached out to me and grabbed my face and tore it off (again with the face…). And then the pov changed again and I was suddenly her. But in the reflections of the mirror wall, I could see that I didn’t have my face back. There was just smooth skin on my head there. Everyone around me congratulated me that my face was looking exceptionally beautiful that night and I really panicked and that was when He came in.

The prince I dreamt of a while ago. He just ripped the whole picture of the ball apart as if it was a curtain and suddenly stood in front of me, His clothes dark with little bright gems on them – it looked like a night sky. Everyone at the ball flinched in front of Him and He felt so… so real in that moment. More so than the rest of the dream, far more so! And He held His hand out for me to take and of course I took it – gosh, He looked so… handsome – and He pulled me right out of my nightmare and into a wonderful calm place. I didn’t recognize it right away, but when He gently led me through it, I realized it was the rose garden. Beneath a big tree He pulled me into his arms.

And then I think He said something to me. I mean, I can’t remember the exact words, but the gist was something like: “You can rest now, I will watch over you.” And then music came from somewhere, He might have been singing, but I can’t really remember… I can’t even remember how the music sounded, just that it was there and that it sounded incredibly wonderful. So there I was, leaning against a beautiful prince, beneath a gorgeous night sky, while there was the most beautiful music around us I ever heard.

And then I fell asleep in my dream. And I had the most wonderful sleep ever. I can’t remember any dreams, but I know that the music continued through all the rest of the night.

But the most incredible, fabulous thing? When I woke up, I was like: “Aw, Prince… why do you only exist in my dreams?” And then, when I shifted in my bed – I found black rose petals on my pillow. They look and feel like the petals of the roses on my desk – but those don’t look as if they’ve lost any petals.

And my window was just a crack open, with a new rose lying on the sill.

This is not my enemy. I’ve got a real life Prince Charming who is on my side. Oh gosh this is so incredible… I mean, it only happens in fairy tales, right? But it is happening to me! Right here and now!

I need to find out more about Him! Especially why He doesn’t show Himself irl, but only in my dreams…

Thank you Prince Charming!

I’ll be up, looking if I can find anything about Him! If you have anything to contribute, please tell me!

Bye, internet!

Down the Rabbithole

Hey, internet.

Well… this time I’ll keep my promise and update right the next day.

So, my dream.

I think Dad’s nice behavior is to blame for that, but it started out (at least, my memory of it starts) with a scene in which I was a very little child and had a birthday. Don’t ask me which one, I can remember the cake in front of me being covered with candles, but I was too little to even speak (other than “dada,” at least). My Dad brought a candle into the room and sang “Happy Birthday” to me, while I sat on the floor looking at everything with wide eyes. Right next to me was my mom – I couldn’t recognize her face, but I knew who she was somehow. Singing as well, she threw golden confetti into the air, which rained down on me. I cheerfully played with it and watched it sparkle, until the cake was finally put down in front of me. My mom took a spoon and tried to feed me a piece, but there still was a burning candle on it, so I refused to take it. I couldn’t just tell my parents though, because I couldn’t talk yet. After a while my Dad just interrupted mom, suggesting to do the paper chase outside he had prepared for me (yeah, because sending a baby on a paper chase is clearly the way to go…) and he picked me up to go outside with me.

The next thing I remember is me outside in the garden, seventeen again and searching. But the paper chase had turned into looking for Easter eggs somehow. So I was peeking under every bush and fence, and when I moved a part of a bush aside a bit, I found a really thick book. I pulled it out from where it was laying and opened it at a random spot, just to see the words “DON’T FOLLOW THE WHITE RABBIT!” spread across the pages I opened. I wondered out loud: “Which white rabbit?” when I already heard something rustling next to me. I looked, and from behind of the bushes, the cutest white bunny I’ve ever seen peeked at me. It was fluffy all around, with big, old-fashioned glasses and a tiny Victorian jacket. When I looked at it, it winced and hopped away, and I followed it, dropping the book the very same instant without a second thought. I chased it quite a while, like in those cartoon sequences where the background can be seen repeating itself over and over again, until I simply stepped on nothing and fell down.

The next part I can remember is me running through a maze of bushes, like the one in the Disney movie. Soon, the card soldiers surrounded me. Their appearances were way more frightening than the ones in the movie though: They had the shapes of people of different ages and genders, but they all wore white masks painted like cards and black suits with ties. Having caught up to me, they tied me up and brought me in front of the Queen of Hearts. You may take an educated guess what she looked like:

Me.

Just in a fancy dress of course. And with a wide smile, she ordered: “Off with the face!” The last thing I can remember about the dream is the feeling of someone grabbing my face. I tried to scream and woke up then.

Well… I know that was short but I feel kind of uneasy talking about it. As about most of those dreams. :( Maybe Story wasn’t right about that after all… on the other hand, I had nightmares less often recently. So maybe it’s helping and just feels shitty though. Like bitter medicine. I’d just need a spoonfull of sugar. :)

I’m going to let that be another pink and fluffy movie now. So…

Bye, internet.

My Awakening

Hey, internet.

I’m sorry for the last two posts and… their content. It was a lot for me to take in and I needed some time for that.
It would probably have been even more time if it wasn’t for today. Let me explain from the beginning.

On thursday, just when I wanted to leave for school, the police came to my house. They told me that I had been excused from school for that day and then they brought me to the department. I think we talked on the way, but I was too scared and confused to remember what we said. I just know that Dad was sitting next to me, holding my hand all the time. They didn’t let him come to the interrogation room with me, though.

They asked me… no, they interrogated me about things like when I had last seen Brute and Story etcetera. And then they told me that Brute was dead. Someone found his body in the early morning. I felt as if… my brain just shut down then. When they brought me home, all I could think was that it was my fault, that I had someone taken his life away from him. Even if I didn’t, I still was the one responsible for him and his family not getting along well during his last days. Story and him had had a friendship all along, until this little blonde minx came along and parted them… And now they can never reconcile.

I still… think that… I dunno. That I am responsible. Partially, at least. But at least someof that burden was taken away from me today.

It started with me falling asleep. I know that I said I slept before as well, but… it was just kinda-sleeping. Not resting. But then, in the middle of the night, I finally really fell asleep and at first, it started out like all the dreams before – I dreamt that I was wide awake, still watching my movie. In hindsight I know it was a dream because the movie took a silly turn (it became a crossover of several Disney movies), but in my dream, I didn’t notice. I just continued watching, still feeling kind of numb, when a shadow fell on my bed. Thinking that it was Dad, I looked up – only to see my Prince stand there. He just stood there, saying nothing, slightly tilting his head while he observed me. For a short moment everything was even more muffled than usually, I barely could hear the Disney characters in the movie mull over how they wanted to rescue a princess. And then He reached out for me, handing me a single, black rose. When I touched it, a thorn pricked my finger and the pain was so intense that… my whole body hurt for a moment. And then every single feeling came back to me. All the anger and the sadness. I woke up crying, and I cried my heart out, and then I fell asleep again when I was fully exhausted and dreamt normal dreams. A bit dark and morbid I guess, but normal. Not this mindfuckery of the past few days.

In the morning, the police came back. They brought me to the department again and they were far less nice to me than on Thursday. Some questions were the same as on Thursday, but then they started asking things that made me wonder. If I had a boyfriend. If I knew someone who liked me very much. How much my friends knew about the stalking.
Where I was when he died.

I had thought that Brute had committed suicide, but I was wrong. He was murdered. From what I learned at the station (after the interrogation of course), someone had… ripped, literally ripped his heart out. And then put it back into the chest. In a plastic bag.

It’s so despicable that I feel sick thinking about it. But still… am I a bad person for a part of me feeling relieved just a bit? About that it was someone else who killed him, not the grief over me not liking him? Because I am. It’s as if there had been pressure in my head, and now a valve was opened and a big part of it just… came out. It’s still gruesome. I still feel bad, sad and angry. But it’s not overwhelming me anymore. I can actually feel it.
And I can actually think again.

I met Story at the station too. But he didn’t look like he was eager to talk to me – more of the opposite. I’ve never seen him glare at someone before but I think I did so at me when I came in. Maybe he suspects me to be responsible for Brute’s death, too. I can’t blame him, because I might indirectly be. Maybe Brute would have been at home if it wasn’t for whatever he wanted to do for me. For whoever he wanted to meet out there.

Which reminds me. Yes, I’ve read his blog entry. Macabre enough, I only discovered it after I came back from the Police on Thursday, and it made everything worse. I printed the entry out for the policemen today and brought it with me to the station because I thought they might need it, but I just told them he wrote the message to me, not where on the internet he did it. I do my best to tell them everything they need to know – thanks to Officer I do know that policemen have to work very hard and that every little clue can be just the one they still need to find the criminal. But they won’t find anything on my blog that I wouldn’t tell, give or show them anyway (they’ve got the notes now, too) and this still is my little, cozy place to myself I’m very protective of.

I’m digressing again, sorry. I’m better but my mind is still a little bit all over the place and it tends to avoid touching Brute’s blogpost as much as possible.

So. The blogpost.

It’s strange to read something that someone seems to say to you right out of his grave. Even more so when those words are so warm and nice, while all you heard of that person for the past few days was that they became more aggressive and distant. When I first read them, they pushed me head on into a fit of selfblaming and regret. Since the police found my cellphone, I suppose I was right about him taking it away. He must have found the bookmark of the blog because I had checked on it all day and then he probably lurked. Until he couldn’t stand my fawning about Story anymore and let some shady stranger…

I’m sorry. I still can’t forgive myself for… I don’t know. I think I need a little break, maybe I’ll write more tomorrow.

The whole Story 2/???

Oh, hi there internet. Didn’t hear you come in.

Before I continue what I told you earlier, I’ll try something Story advised me to do. He said nightmares sometimes go away when you write/type them down. His logic was that seeing the dream written down gives one distance to the happenings in it. I’m actually not good at that, seeing as I can rarely recall my dreams after waking up.  I just know if it was a nice or not so nice dream. But I made some notes after waking up today and will try to recall as much as I can now. If you don’t like nightmares, please simply skip that part.

Looking at my notes, I can’t remember most of what I’ve written down. They read:

• mansion
• nice clothes (dress, crown(?))
• night(?)
• scribbled words everywhere
• big windows
• full moon (not very dark)
• rose garden
• petals
• black room
• mirrors
• me eating (reflection)
• face -> orifice close
• mouth through ripping
• scribbled “no”

Yeah… Pretty sick stuff obviously. As I said I can’t remember most of it, it’s all very blurry in my mind, but I kind of can recall the last part. Everything around me was pitch black, I didn’t even see walls or so. There just was a richly decorated mirror right in front of me, and I saw my reflection in it (naturally). Then my reflection stepped back and a table appeared in front of it (still in the mirror). There was so much food on it that it poured over the edges of the table. My reflection began to eat it, really greedily as if it hadn’t eaten for days, and ate more and more and more. The table seemed to refill or so, and my reflection didn’t get bigger. And then the really sick stuff happened, because the lids and lips of my reflection grew together while it still ate like crazy. And in order to eat it kind of… ripped the skin open where its’ mouth should have been and stuffed its’ face with even more food. It was really gross and I have absolutely no idea where I could have those images from. I hate horror movies. And nightmares. Meh.

I don’t know if that really was helpful. Well, topic change.

The story you actually came here to read (if you came here at all and stuff) is probably what happened while I didn’t update the blog.

I told you about how I met Brute and hung out with him when Story wasn’t around yet. So yeah. Obviously, I was just as charming and fabulous as I had hoped to be, but not as much for Story as for Brute. At first, it was kind of nice to talk to him every now and then and the way he complimented me was subtle and charming. But then I began to feel strange because he started to show up in places where I didn’t expect him, without a good explanation to be there. And when the project was over, I hoped to at least have a very loose friendship with Story – like talking sometimes and maybe being there for him when he was sad or so. But Story even avoided me.

That’s when I started to have certain suspicions. I talked to Story and it turned out he thought that me and Brute were an item! I asked him if Brute told him so, but he didn’t answer. All of that happened over a couple of days. I tried talking to Brute, being clear in that I wasn’t interested in him at all, and I talked to Story about it and told him I had no interest in Brute. And then I was a jerk, but you know about that.

The thing is that I’m not quite sure if everything’s over now, which is the reason for those question marks in the title. I can be imagining things, but I think I’ve seen Brute again in front of my house today although he doesn’t live close. And I get the feeling I might have seriously upset him, which might not be good because he knows the girls I’m friends with now. Like he-has-seen-them-knows. Partially I didn’t update because I was a bit afraid of him blurting out my blog to the others, but he doesn’t seem to have found out about it yet, so go me.

And I kind of really need it…

Well, sleepy time for me now. I’ll keep a notepad close to continue my little dream log, too. It’s nothing great, but at least it’s probably more interesting than a teacher calling me “Phoebe” instead of “Fiona”. Which, by the way, she did again on friday. GRRR!

Nini, internet!