Aw, internet…
Did I fail you so much, not posting for three days? I’m sorry. Heh, well, my blog was just getting so many views (9, for me that’s like a million!) because it was still new and therefore fancy, most likely. I’m sorry that I didn’t post for three days. I just had things to ponder.
See, I really pondered showing my real life friends this blog. To just give them access to it and delete the few things they shouldn’t know. I’m a bit afraid of them finding out another way, and then… picking on me because of things I’d say, thinking that nobody would listen who knows me.
But these things need to be said. Or rather – I need to tell them. Somewhere. Someone. I can’t tell my real friends though, and I’ll explain in a minute why. And a diary… That would not help. I need to know someone is actually receiving what I “send out”. This one subscriber I have right now (hello fabulous person! I’m talking about you!) is kind of what actually helps me and what made me decide to use this blog like I originally intended to. Because out there, somewhere, someone listens to me, to the parts of me my friends don’t know. And although I don’t have any extremly rare and tragic things to tell, I need to talk to someone about what’s going on in my mind. The risk is not too high… My friends are mostly interested in facebook and the blogs they actually tell each other about. Not in random blogs on the internet. But still I check the Dashboard at least twice per day now, just to be able to delete all that stuff in here if it’s necessary. Don’t worry then. You now know why.
So: Fresh from the mind of The Fabulous Fiona – STUFF!
First the reason for me not being able to be totally open to my friends: I’m kind of one of the popular girls at my school. No, we’re not quite as bitchy as the popular girls frequently shown on TV or in movies. Actually, the girls at my school are quite a nice bunch, albeit still a little bit like that stereotype. Meaning that they try to keep up with trends very hard and value fashion. They prefer expensive brands and they go out of their way to be pretty. Marks don’t matter that much to them, their only real passions at school are cheerleading and gossiping. And while they don’t actively harass people they don’t like, they carefully and accurately exclude those persons from everything cool they can influence, to not let that person drag the coolness-meter down. It’s not always good form what they do, but they don’t harm anyone. Yeah… I’m one of them. I don’t entirely fit in, though. My father doesn’t earn incredible amounts of money, so I can’t always afford the trendiest stuff – I have to skip the trend or get the cheaper copies of the original products. I actually care for some of my classes, like German, so my marks there are quite good. But still they accept me, like me even. I’ve got a good sense of fashion and developed the skill to find and combine affordable clothes and accessoires to nice and trendy outfits. They even use me as a reference everytime they complain about people who say they don’t have the money to be fashionable.
But it’s kind of exhausting sometimes. And I always know that I’m not allowed to slip in any way. I can stretch their affection to a certain extent, but it’s still possible to overuse it and become one of the not popular people. And I don’t want that to happen, because I’m actually quite grateful for my position. Nobody picks on me. Everybody envies me. A lot of the boys see me as a definite dating option. A lot of the girls see me as the dream of a usual girl becoming popular come true. All of this is nice and I am willing to work for that – and also to shut up. I don’t tell my friends that I find German very fascinating and that I’d sometimes love to write in my free time instead of going to the mall. I don’t tell my friends that I sometimes would rather spend my money on some nice, like, books or CDs, than on new clothes and the expensive café they love so much. And I definitely don’t tell them that I have a soft spot for Nerds and can relate to them quite well.
I’d love to join their chatting when they talk about their crushes. About who asked them out and who they want to ask them out. But I can’t, because my crush is the greatest nerd at school. He doesn’t know that I understand the big “42” on his favorite shirt and that I’d love to watch that Star Wars movie at least once. Or those movies (I heard there was more than just one…). I can’t even walk up to him and use a petty excuse to get into a conversation with him. Because if my friends knew, they would probably laugh so hard at me that they’d have to change their pants afterwards.
I said I’d censor all the names, and I do. So I’ll call him Story. He’s very quiet and very pale, and he can’t be in a conversation for long without cracking jokes related to some obscure fandom nobody knows, but I can’t help but be impressed by how he remembers all of those quotes. Every word of them. His glasses make him a poster boy for the nerd stereotype, but… there’s something about him that makes me think he’s not only shy and dorky, but also quite intelligent. And he loves German and everything about Germany. His name sounds a bit European and he can roll the R, so maybe his heritage has something to do with it. I always get goosebumps when I hear him talk in that language at school. It’s the only subject he actually gets active in.
Aaaaaand I’m sounding like a lovestruck little teenage girl, but actually I have the right to, because I am a lovestruck little teenage girl! And it feels good to finally talk about this. Especially because I’m going to visit Story at his home tomorrow. But – that’s a story (heh) I save for tomorrow or the day after, together with how it happened.
Thank you, internet. When I started writing this, I felt kind of down, but now my mood is really good. It helps to talk about this!
Good Night now, internet.
Fabulous 