Down the Rabbithole

Hey, internet.

Well… this time I’ll keep my promise and update right the next day.

So, my dream.

I think Dad’s nice behavior is to blame for that, but it started out (at least, my memory of it starts) with a scene in which I was a very little child and had a birthday. Don’t ask me which one, I can remember the cake in front of me being covered with candles, but I was too little to even speak (other than “dada,” at least). My Dad brought a candle into the room and sang “Happy Birthday” to me, while I sat on the floor looking at everything with wide eyes. Right next to me was my mom – I couldn’t recognize her face, but I knew who she was somehow. Singing as well, she threw golden confetti into the air, which rained down on me. I cheerfully played with it and watched it sparkle, until the cake was finally put down in front of me. My mom took a spoon and tried to feed me a piece, but there still was a burning candle on it, so I refused to take it. I couldn’t just tell my parents though, because I couldn’t talk yet. After a while my Dad just interrupted mom, suggesting to do the paper chase outside he had prepared for me (yeah, because sending a baby on a paper chase is clearly the way to go…) and he picked me up to go outside with me.

The next thing I remember is me outside in the garden, seventeen again and searching. But the paper chase had turned into looking for Easter eggs somehow. So I was peeking under every bush and fence, and when I moved a part of a bush aside a bit, I found a really thick book. I pulled it out from where it was laying and opened it at a random spot, just to see the words “DON’T FOLLOW THE WHITE RABBIT!” spread across the pages I opened. I wondered out loud: “Which white rabbit?” when I already heard something rustling next to me. I looked, and from behind of the bushes, the cutest white bunny I’ve ever seen peeked at me. It was fluffy all around, with big, old-fashioned glasses and a tiny Victorian jacket. When I looked at it, it winced and hopped away, and I followed it, dropping the book the very same instant without a second thought. I chased it quite a while, like in those cartoon sequences where the background can be seen repeating itself over and over again, until I simply stepped on nothing and fell down.

The next part I can remember is me running through a maze of bushes, like the one in the Disney movie. Soon, the card soldiers surrounded me. Their appearances were way more frightening than the ones in the movie though: They had the shapes of people of different ages and genders, but they all wore white masks painted like cards and black suits with ties. Having caught up to me, they tied me up and brought me in front of the Queen of Hearts. You may take an educated guess what she looked like:

Me.

Just in a fancy dress of course. And with a wide smile, she ordered: “Off with the face!” The last thing I can remember about the dream is the feeling of someone grabbing my face. I tried to scream and woke up then.

Well… I know that was short but I feel kind of uneasy talking about it. As about most of those dreams. :( Maybe Story wasn’t right about that after all… on the other hand, I had nightmares less often recently. So maybe it’s helping and just feels shitty though. Like bitter medicine. I’d just need a spoonfull of sugar. :)

I’m going to let that be another pink and fluffy movie now. So…

Bye, internet.

Talk-to-a-Story-Day

Hey, internet…

I finally had the opportunity to ask Story about Brute today. I didn’t even directly bring up Brute, but Story seemed down and it turned out that it was because of him. And maybe because of me. I don’t even know anymore.

I don’t even know how to put this. Brute obviously… changed. According to Story, I had the right impression about him first, when I thought that he was simply a shy but nice guy. But recently he’s become more aggressive. He locks himself up in his room, only talking to people on the telephone. Story can hear him yelling and coughing a lot, he even found some blood in the sink after Brute had been in the bathroom, but whenever he offers help, Brute just tells him to “piss off.” The few times they actually have seen each other recently, he had dark circles under his eyes and looked really pale. And Story told me that he’s even vanished several times now, mostly at night, without any trace where he went or why, coming back early in the morning tired, shaken by violent coughing fits and even more aggressive than anytime else.

It frightens Story and his family. And frankly, it’s frightening me as well. A person changed so much and I just can’t shake the feeling that it’s my fault. I showed up and suddenly the brothers don’t get along with each other anymore and everything… goes to hell. Is that what I did? Changing a person so much for the worse just by being nice to them? I always had kind of a knack for handling people but never thought that I could harm anyone so much with that. I never wanted to harm anyone.

I’m so sorry, Brute and Story. So incredibly sorry. I didn’t want this to happen.

I somehow managed to slip in a question about the game. Story didn’t know much about it, but he said that Brute is into an urban mythos about a being called Slender Man (not quite a slender man, it’s more of a title or something). He told me it was an “if you know too much about it, he comes for you” thing and that he had been too afraid of such stuff to research it or let Brute show him anything about it. But obviously, there are some game-like stories about it. No, I didn’t look into it. Even if it’s that game or myth he’s into, he’s got bigger problems now. And I should rather find a way to help him.

Maybe I could try and put my abilities on use for something positive for a change. I’ll just… see what I can do for him.

I’m sorry for maybe not sounding very coherent about everything.

Bye, internet.

Fuck

Just fixed myself a drink. Found a note slipped under the door.

The handwriting looks like it’s from Brute.

Fuck. Just fuck.

Late Night Blogging

Hi, internet!

So yeah, a late night entry again. Because I have most dreams at night, duh.

This one I just woke up from and it’s still kind of fresh, so since I’m not feeling tired anymore anyway and want to get it done, I’ll just post it right away. I dreamt of a rose garden again, that I know – probably what I meant with the notes in my last blogpost. It was night and I can remember being a little bit afraid. But the garden was amazingly beautiful, full of perfectly-shaped, black roses. I think the dream started out with me wearing usual clothes, everyday stuff. When I was done looking around with wide eyes, I found myself wearing a really fancy black dress though. I looked up and in front of me stood a prince with black clothes as well, who smiled at me and held out his hand as if he wanted me to dance with him. That in itself is not nightmarish, but I remember that a strange symbol and the word “NO” flickered over his face in red, as if someone had edited it in like in a video. He seemed friendly to me though, and despite the flickering I could feel my heart pounding really quickly and my cheeks blush. In the end, I just couldn’t resist taking his hand anymore.

He started to dance with me, a waltz that could have been taken from a Barbie movie (they say *cough*).  The flickering went away after a while, as did the garden. We danced on a floor with black and white tiles like a chessboard then, I can’t remember if it was out in the open or in a hall or so, but it was well-lit. (Better than the garden before)

And then he finished the dance and it turned out that we actually were on a chessboard and I was in the position of the Black Queen.  All the chess figures were alive and having a nasty fight. A White Pawn made its way through the black rows towards me, but I stopped him, kissed him (???) and he went black all of a sudden. Then it came to my mind that I wanted to know the player and I looked behind me, but all I could see behind the chessboard was like the chest of a person in a suit. A very big person in a suit. I turned my head up to see them, but I woke up before my glance reached the face.

The dreams itself are not that terrifying. But something about them keeps making me feel terrible.

Meh. I’ll go get something to drink now and get back to sleep then.

Night internet!

Dreams

How do they fucking work.

I’m scared. I just woke up from myself twitching and whimpering in my sleep. Can’t remember the dream though.

I saw Brute again today. Or thought so. I don’t even know anymore.

My friends tease me for being paranoid and having bags under my eyes. So tomorrow I will be teased even more. Great.

Well, uplifting music is downloaded to my MP3-player now. I’ll try to fall asleep again.

Night, internet.

The whole Story 2/???

Oh, hi there internet. Didn’t hear you come in.

Before I continue what I told you earlier, I’ll try something Story advised me to do. He said nightmares sometimes go away when you write/type them down. His logic was that seeing the dream written down gives one distance to the happenings in it. I’m actually not good at that, seeing as I can rarely recall my dreams after waking up.  I just know if it was a nice or not so nice dream. But I made some notes after waking up today and will try to recall as much as I can now. If you don’t like nightmares, please simply skip that part.

Looking at my notes, I can’t remember most of what I’ve written down. They read:

• mansion
• nice clothes (dress, crown(?))
• night(?)
• scribbled words everywhere
• big windows
• full moon (not very dark)
• rose garden
• petals
• black room
• mirrors
• me eating (reflection)
• face -> orifice close
• mouth through ripping
• scribbled “no”

Yeah… Pretty sick stuff obviously. As I said I can’t remember most of it, it’s all very blurry in my mind, but I kind of can recall the last part. Everything around me was pitch black, I didn’t even see walls or so. There just was a richly decorated mirror right in front of me, and I saw my reflection in it (naturally). Then my reflection stepped back and a table appeared in front of it (still in the mirror). There was so much food on it that it poured over the edges of the table. My reflection began to eat it, really greedily as if it hadn’t eaten for days, and ate more and more and more. The table seemed to refill or so, and my reflection didn’t get bigger. And then the really sick stuff happened, because the lids and lips of my reflection grew together while it still ate like crazy. And in order to eat it kind of… ripped the skin open where its’ mouth should have been and stuffed its’ face with even more food. It was really gross and I have absolutely no idea where I could have those images from. I hate horror movies. And nightmares. Meh.

I don’t know if that really was helpful. Well, topic change.

The story you actually came here to read (if you came here at all and stuff) is probably what happened while I didn’t update the blog.

I told you about how I met Brute and hung out with him when Story wasn’t around yet. So yeah. Obviously, I was just as charming and fabulous as I had hoped to be, but not as much for Story as for Brute. At first, it was kind of nice to talk to him every now and then and the way he complimented me was subtle and charming. But then I began to feel strange because he started to show up in places where I didn’t expect him, without a good explanation to be there. And when the project was over, I hoped to at least have a very loose friendship with Story – like talking sometimes and maybe being there for him when he was sad or so. But Story even avoided me.

That’s when I started to have certain suspicions. I talked to Story and it turned out he thought that me and Brute were an item! I asked him if Brute told him so, but he didn’t answer. All of that happened over a couple of days. I tried talking to Brute, being clear in that I wasn’t interested in him at all, and I talked to Story about it and told him I had no interest in Brute. And then I was a jerk, but you know about that.

The thing is that I’m not quite sure if everything’s over now, which is the reason for those question marks in the title. I can be imagining things, but I think I’ve seen Brute again in front of my house today although he doesn’t live close. And I get the feeling I might have seriously upset him, which might not be good because he knows the girls I’m friends with now. Like he-has-seen-them-knows. Partially I didn’t update because I was a bit afraid of him blurting out my blog to the others, but he doesn’t seem to have found out about it yet, so go me.

And I kind of really need it…

Well, sleepy time for me now. I’ll keep a notepad close to continue my little dream log, too. It’s nothing great, but at least it’s probably more interesting than a teacher calling me “Phoebe” instead of “Fiona”. Which, by the way, she did again on friday. GRRR!

Nini, internet!

The whole Story 1/???

Hi internet

Hey look, I’ve got a new theme again! “Liquorice” was published recently, and I liked it more than “Banana smoothie”. Maybe I can pinkify it a little more for it to meet my taste.

So it’s time to tell you about where I’ve been for the past few weeks and why I was so quiet.I was, of course, where I always am – at home, at school and stuff. I had other reasons for not posting meanwhile. I’ll tell you everything, but it might take some time as I’m still quite busy with school work, so I probably have to break it into a lot of different posts.

Okay, here I go: It started when I met with Story more or less every day for the project. I would come over after school and spend some time with him, always pretending that there still were things I didn’t understand and slowing him down a little with small talk so we wouldn’t get it done right away. On a side note: “Der Struwwelpeter” is some pretty fucked up stuff. Really, Germans? Do you really discipline your children via telling them that Santa Clause will come over and dunk them into ink if they are racist, or that a tailor will jump into their room and cut their thumbs off if they suck on them? There was almost no story that didn’t leave me with a flat: “What.” That book is outright creepy. But I digress.

Anyway, most days I have to stay at school longer than Story – I’m friends with cheerleaders after all. But once I came home – I mean, once I dropped by at his house before he was there, I met Brute.

Well, actually I had met him before, but just for some short moments, because Story had been there as well. Brute is Story’s brother, I think they might even be twins (they look the same age anyway and it could be that one of them said something about it to me, I’m not sure right now). When Story wasn’t at home, Brute was nice enough to invite me in anyway and we watched TV together for a bit and he showed me his models. He is a massive geek, just like Story, but while Story prefers Fantasy and medieval stuff, Brute is totally into Sci-Fi and has a shitload of models at home he built himself. Well, and that more or less was it, we talked a bit, sat on the couch, and then Story would come and my inner Fiona would squee and I proceeded to do my homework with Story.

It’s a stupid place to stop typing now, but I need to go. There are some exams coming up and I didn’t do my share of learning today yet and it’s actually already late enough for me to go to bed. So – to be continued.

Bye internet!

Delay (again)

Hey internet,

I’m sorry, have to delay the fulfillment of my promise yet again. Didn’t sleep well, was busy today and am now 90% dead. Need to go to bed in order to prevent the dead-o-meter to fill the remaining 10%. Since tomorrow is Sunday, I might at least be able to post sooner. Big sorry!

Day was awesome, though.

Bye internet!