Hey, internet.
I’m sorry for not updating yesterday as I said I would, but it simply wasn’t such a good day for me. Nothing happened in particular that made me feel bad, I just… have some times when everything that happened the past few weeks kicks in again, especially thursday. So I didn’t do anything yesterday.
Dad is really sweet to me. I pity him for having to tell all my friends that I can’t talk at the moment when they call on the phone, although I’m sitting and watching movies more or less right next to him while he does that. When he’s home at all, I should say. He needs to spend a lot of time working, so most of the day I can just let the phone ring until it stops.
Yesterday he came home earlier though. He’s the owner of a little store for artistic needs, so he always stays there after closing to do some paperwork, restocking and whatnot. It already makes me feel grateful that he seemingly skipped all that yesterday and went straight home.
He didn’t do much. There’s not much one can do. But he ordered some pizza, knowing exactly which one I’d like the most and without a comment sat down next to me on my bed while I watched “Alice in Wonderland”. Yes, he didn’t do anything. But he was there, and somehow, that alone was enough for me. I could snuggle up to him a little and sometimes I would cry a bit and he would pet my head, and sometimes I would just lie there and feel not-alone. In the end, I even fell asleep snuggled up to him, having weird Alice in Wonderland dreams (naturally… I’m going to tell you about it, although I don’t know if I will do it today or tomorrow). And when I woke up, he had tucked me in and put a little plushie on my nightstand, with a note saying: “Leftovers are in the fridge. Love you, Princess” and a cute smiley beneath.
I love you too, Dad. Very much so.
Well, uhm, that said I read over my last blogpost again today and realised that I totally forgot about quite some details, which made it sound… strange. I’m going to try and clarify things a bit, just in case you wondered (because I did if I’d care, and people seem to care about my blog).
1.) How do I know that the police have my cell phone? Easy, they told me in the interrogation room. Of course they weren’t like “Oh, Miss, by the way – we found your cell, you might want to have it back?” but rather… pointed out that it’s a strange coincidence they found the person who stalked me for a while murdered and then found him being in possession of my cell phone.
2.) How did they know it was mine? Because I actually have a little glittering sticker on it, saying “Fiona’s Fabulous FPhone!” There wasn’t much thinking to do I guess.
3.) If Brute found the blog via the cell phone and the police have it, why would I think that they don’t know about the blog? I never said that. I’m not going to tell them about the blog myself, that’s all. My views are quite high recently, so maybe there are some of the officers reading through it already. But they didn’t mention it to me yet, so I won’t mention it too and not give up hope it’s still a place for me and me alone. Well, and you, internet.
4.) Do I actually have anything to do with Brute’s death? No, and since that was so natural for me, I must have totally forgotten that no one can see into my memories and see that while writing. Reading my last few entries, I’d suspect myself of really being involved with the murder, just because I didn’t comment on that, like, at all. Since it’s possible that a policeman will soon slap me with a printout of my blog and ask me how I did it, I should maybe do it now, though. No. I didn’t kill him. At least not actively or voluntarily. I was at home the night they found him, I did my homework and went to sleep at a reasonable time to go to school the next day. I blame myself for making him feel the way he did towards me, and maybe not reciprocrating his feelings, and not talking to him when I had the chance to do it. I blame myself for not having stopped him from going outside that night, for not checking on the blog that evening, for not… stopping him from going out and being murdered. But I did not harm him and I didn’t encourage anyone to do it.
Something else about Brute: I don’t know if people can see who’s part of the blogs “team” or not, but he somehow added himself there to write the blogpost. And I’ll keep the account in there. I wouldn’t know much about how else I could make a memento for him, and I want to remember him and what I indirectly did to him. I liked him and looking at the blogpost I see what I liked about him shine through, as well as in his username. Both of which I should keep in mind. So I will keep that little bit of him close to me, and this blog – especially the admin center – is more or less as close as it gets. I think he would like that.
I’ll better stop writing here for now.
Bye, internet.
Fabulous 